The Bachelor

VH1

VH1 buys every season of The Bachelor, insists it’s “America’s Most Romantic Reality Show”

After spending more than two years mocking and sending up The Bachelor with its Flavor of Love franchise and spin-offs, VH1 has now acquired the rights to every season of the show.

That includes all 12 seasons of the regular show and four The Bachelorettes, plus “all cycles through at least 2008,” according to VH1. The cable network will reintroduce us to the franchise by airing the first seven seasons over seven days, starting on Sunday, June 1.

The weird part about this news is that VH1 is playing the acquisition straight, insisting that their shows and ABC’s show are basically the same thing. The press release even calls the Chris Harrison-hosted ABC series “America’s Most Romantic Reality Show,” which is completely ridiculous, considering the show’s nearly unbroken record of utter, embarrassing failure to create a lasting relationship. The press release also absurdly insists that “Will you accept this rose?” is a “popular catchphrase.” Try “universally mocked nonsense.” Even VH1’s own Best Week Ever mocks The Bachelor.

In his press release quote, VH1 EVP Ben Zurier continues the charade, saying, “‘The Bachelor’ is the granddaddy of the dating reality format. It’s been a water cooler staple from the moment it premiered in 2002, and it’s still on top of its game. As we’ve seen with our own record-breaking ‘Rock of Love with Bret Michaels’ and ‘Flavor of Love’ series, dating reality has become the drama for the current generation of young adults, with an engaging mix of intrigue, romance, and surprises. ‘The Bachelor’ and VH1 certainly feels like a good match.”

Well, it did until you all decided to lose your edge. Doug Benson, Best Week Ever’s Pop Culture Bachelor, needs to take his roses, walk down the hall, and smack someone in the head with them.

American Idol 7

Ratings improve slightly for American Idol 7

After continuing to slide week to week during the point in the competition when ratings usually increase, American Idol 7’s ratings improved this week, at least when compared to last week.

Wednesday’s results show was watched by 24.2 million people, and “reversed a six-week downward trend Wednesday night with a 9% ratings increase from last week in the 18-49 demo,” Variety reports.

That’s actually an increase from the 24.0 million people who watched Tuesday night, and in previous years, results shows have had lower ratings than the performance episodes. Apparently, people are tuning in just to see who wins; they don’t care about the actual singing.

As to next week’s finale, one critic suggests the show take a page out of Bachelor Brad Womack’s playbook. “I wish it would end like last season’s ‘The Bachelor’ with Brad Womack, where he didn’t propose to either of the girls and everyone went home empty-handed,” The New York Daily News’ Cristina Kinon writes. “The producers at ‘Idol’ should just be like, ‘Listen David and David, you both stink. Go home, practice, and come back again next year when we’ve totally revamped the show and you’ll have to jump through rings of fire while punching Ryan Seacrest in the face and singing Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’ two octaves above normal.”

Project Runway 5

Nina Garcia will stay at Elle to be on Project Runway 5

Despite essentially being let go from Elle magazine, Nina Garcia will stay at the magazine and appear on Project Runway 5.

However, that sentence could be written “…stay at the magazine to appear…,” because Elle basically created a job for her so she can stay through the end of the show, at which point she’ll start her new job at Marie Claire. Her future on the show’s sixth, Lifetime-hosted season is uncertain, as she and Michael Kors are both still in negotiations.

In a press release, the magazine announced “that ELLE has entered a new agreement with Nina Garcia who has been named Editor-at-Large through September 1, 2008. Ms. Garcia will remain as the magazine’s representative judge on ‘Project Runway’ through the show’s fifth season. Ms. Garcia, who has spent 13 years at ELLE, has been Fashion Director for the past 8 years.” The magazine’s editor-in-chief, Roberta Myers, said, “Nina is admired by a large television audience on ‘Project Runway’ who tune in to see Nina and her fellow judges decide who’s in and who’s out. She’s made a real contribution to the program’s success as a top show.”

In other words, her only value to the magazine is as someone who can draw viewers who will watch Heidi Klum say “editor-at-large at Elle magazine” every week, thereby giving Elle what they paid for.

Flavor of Love 3

VH1 will re-air all three seasons of Flavor of Love before Monday’s series finale

On Monday night, Flavor of Love 3, which is apparently still airing, will conclude, ending both this season and Flavor Flav’s three-season, 35-episode (plus reunions) search for love.

His now-epic quest will come to an end in what VH1 is calling “the most dramatical elimination in ‘Flavor of Love’ history” (VH1’s acquisition of The Bachelor seems to be affecting the network already), as “Flav finds himself caught between an undeniable chemistry with one girl and a love connection with the other.”

This weekend, before that dramatic finale, the cable network once known for playing only music videos for old people will rebroadcast every single episode of the show. Flavor of Love will air starting at 1 p.m. ET/PT, Flavor of Love 2 will start up at 10:30 a.m. Sunday, and Flavor of Love 3 starts its season at 11 a.m. Monday.

If you decide to watch all three seasons in a row, you should feed your pets and fill out a living will first, because there’s no telling what kind of effect that would have on your brain.

schedules

Summer 2008 reality TV schedule

Summer used to offer a break from television until reality TV invaded eight years ago and changed that. While broadcast networks have extremely few reality series scheduled in the fall, that’s not the case this summer. Almost 30 new and returning series will air on network TV and cable, most of which will debut in June. However, some that will fill the summer months have already started broadcasting, and others kick off next week even as spring shows finish their runs.

Here’s a look at how you can fill your summer in front of the TV. What shows are you most looking forward to?

Times listed are ET; while this list will be updated frequently, networks do change their schedules frequently. For up-to-date news on featured shows, click the [news] link that follows it.

• Farmer Wants a Wife [CW, April 30, Wednesdays at 9]
• Man vs. Wild [Discovery, May 2, Fridays at 9] news
• American Gladiators [NBC, May 12, Mondays at 8] news
• The Bachelorette 4 [ABC, May 19 at 9, Mondays at 8] news
• So You Think You Can Dance 4 [FOX, May 22 at 8, Wednesdays at 8 and Thursdays at 9] news
• Last Comic Standing 6 [NBC, May 22 at 9:30, Thursdays at 8:30] news
• The Academy: LASD Class #368 [Fox Reality, May 24, Saturdays at 9]
• Bridezillas [WEtv, June 1, Sundays at 9]
• The Next Food Network Star 4 [Food Network, June 1, Sundays at 10] news
• The Mole 3 [ABC, June 2, Mondays at 10] news
• Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search For Elle Woods [MTV, June 2, Mondays at 10]
• 30 Days [FX, June 3, Tuesdays at 10] news
• She’s Got the Look [TVLand, June 4, Wednesdays at 10]
• Design Star 3 [HGTV, June 8, Sundays at 9] news
• Master of Dance [TLC, June 8, Sundays at 9]
• Ice Road Truckers [History, June 8, Sundays at 10] news
• Nashville Star 6 [NBC, June 9, Mondays at 9:30] news
• Celebrity Circus [NBC, June 11, Wednesdays at 9]
• Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List [Bravo, June 12 at 9, Thursdays at 10] news
• America’s Got Talent 3 [NBC, June 17, Tuesdays at 9] news
• Flipping Out [Bravo, June 17, Tuesdays at 10]
• Baby Borrowers [NBC, June 25, Wednesdays at 8]
• Shear Genius 2 [Bravo, June 25, Wednesdays at 10] news
• Dance Machine [ABC, June 27, Fridays at 8]
• Greatest American Dog [CBS, July 10, Thursdays at 8]
• Big Brother 10 [CBS, July 13, Sundays and Wednesdays at 8, Tuesdays at 9] news
• I Love Money [VH1, July 13, Sundays at 9] news
• Reality Bites Back [Comedy Central, July 17, Thursdays at 10]
• High School Musical: Get in the Picture [ABC, July 20, Sundays at 8]
• Jingles [CBS, July 27, Sundays at 9]
• How to Look Good Naked [Lifetime, July]
• My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled [MTV, August 25, Mondays at 10:30]
• Sunset Tan [E!]

Fall

• The Amazing Race 13 [CBS, Sundays at 8] news
• Survivor Gabon [CBS, Thursdays at 8] news

2009

• America’s Toughest Jobs [NBC]
• Shark Taggers [NBC]
• Swords [NBC]
• When Women Rule the World [FOX, future uncertain]

American Idol 8

Results shows will be cut back on American Idol 8

Fox is going to reverse on of its dumbest moves related to American Idol next season and reduce the bloated hour-long results show to just a half-hour, like it used to be. That’s one of many changes that will be made for American Idol 8, but the only one that Fox will confirm right now, and at least it’s one that will benefit us.

“Both the network and the producers really want to take a look at the show for next year and see what we can to do inject it with new levels of energy and new unpredictable twists and turns and ramp up the storytelling. We do constantly want to make this show the most relevant, zeitgeisty show on TV to keep it on the tips of everyone’s tongue,” Fox chair Peter Liguori told reporters, according to the L.A. Times.

While he said Paula will definitely return (“We love Paula. She’s coming back.”), not all of the excessive filler will. The Times reports that “Liguori also said that the Wednesday results show will, at least on most weeks, go back to a half-hour.” The paper also noted that “he’s not pleased with the performance of the show this year.”

Liguori blamed the strike for hurting the show (“the show has somewhat suffered from the post-strike malaise of folks watching less broadcast TV”), while Fox president Kevin Reilly defended the often-criticized cast. “There’s some real charm in that cast. Whether it’s caught the world on fire, I don’t know,” Reilly said. “Some of it is just natural maturity of the show. It’s been a phenomenon, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t go through some natural aging just like any other show. We’ll do some of those creative twists next season, and we’ll see what comes out of it.”

American Idol 7

Syesha Mercado leaves American Idol, making it David versus David in the end

Syesha Mercado was voted off American Idol 7 last night, leaving finalists David Cook and David Archuleta, two people who could essentially be replaced with cardboard cutouts on stage and we wouldn’t know the difference as long as they were singing off-stage. I kid, but what was perhaps most remarkable last night was Fantasia’s performance, as she has more talent and charisma than this year’s top three combined—and far more awesome hair.

I don’t want to be one of those annoying American Idol fan conspiracy theorists who’s convinced everyone is out to get whoever their favorite contestant happens to be—especially because I really don’t care—but on Tuesday night, the judges seemed intent upon making sure Syesha didn’t make it to the finals. Paula Abdul, of all people, even told her, “I don’t know if it’s going to be good enough to get into the finals of American Idol.”

When Paula Abdul offers not just criticism but a prediction, something’s wrong. And last night, during the hometown visits segment, Syesha told an auditorium full of students, “dreams really do come true, and, like, anything is possible, so just make it happen.” The editors cut to a kid in the audience yawning. That was only audience reaction shot they had?

While the final three are all fine singers, Syesha’s performances seemed alive, while David Archuleta did the same Joker-grin going-through-the-motions thing on Tuesday, and his nervous laugh now irritates me so much I basically have to put him on mute. He is increasingly insufferable, and the only thing mitigating my all-out reality show hate is his age and father. It’s particularly annoying that making it to the finals is going to do nothing but fuel his father and perhaps destroy his life. I hate to be such a pessimist, but let’s just see what his Behind the Music looks like in 15 years.

We did see some humanity from David during his hometown visit. All three contestants cried, but only David cried and turned into a drunken sailor with his potty mouth. “Gosh! I can’t believe how many people came out for this. I just can’t thank them enough. It makes it all worth it, knowing how many people appreciate this, and all the hard work I’ve been doing for this. Gosh darn it, I didn’t mean to cry or anything, sorry. Gosh!” he said.

All three cried during their visits, but perhaps the weirdest moment came in Bradenton, Fla., when a woman rushed up to Syesha and handed her a baby for some unknown reason. Syesha looked horrified and said, “I can’t, I can’t I can’t.” A cop had to make the woman take her kid back (“ma’am…”). Apparently, having witnessed Jeff Archuleta’s success, that woman couldn’t wait to get her kid on the show.

Top Model 10

Whitney Thompson is America’s first plus-sized Top Model

For the first time in the show’s 10-season history, America’s next next next next next next next next next next top model isn’t a skinny, breakable thing, but a plus-sized model, which basically means she’s the size of actual women.

Whitney Thompson won America’s Next Top Model 10 last night, defeating Anya Kop. “There’s definitely times I’ve looked in the mirror and looked at other girls and thought, I wasn’t like them. … I want other women in America to feel good about themselves,” she said after winning, according to MTV.

Her win has been surrounded by speculation that Whitney was essentially a plant and may have even been asked to gain weight to appear on the show. Pre-show photographs do show Whitney to be a lot thinner than she is currently.

And Four Four quotes from an anonymous source who cites yet another anonymous source with details about the conspiracy theory: “The source is this wonderfully chatty boy in one of my classes…who says he went to high school with Whitney. The claim is that Whitney did not try out for top model but was approached on a plane by someone from the show. She was already doing modeling as a size 2 or 4 but because she was closer to a 4 she was a little too big for the show as a regular model. They told her that if she went and gained 10-20 pounds they would definitely put her on the show as “the plus-size model”. She’s about a 6 or 8 on the show. He even showed us this picture of her when she was smaller which was from a year ago.”